Son, I can’t tell you the joy you brought me when the news was broken, that I was going to be a mother.
Along with a child, a mother was born that day, as well.
You, you were born perfect.
Weighing 3.4 kgs, you were heavy to carry but lighter than the sentiments I carried.
And the perfect you, was handed over to a flawed me.
Your first day in this world was my first day as a mother too.
But no one cared about my feelings but only bothered about you.
The expectations from me were not similar to the expectations attached to you.
You were the King and I was one of the courtier too.
When you cried, they blamed that I must have been a cry baby.
When you twitched in sleep, they accused me of watching scary movies.
When you drooled nonstop, it meant that I didn’t eat the food I yearned for.
Your perfection, and my inadequacies both kept growing in incremental numbers…
So much that I envied you.
But as you grew up, and others got busy with their life,
You were left alone with me and it was like champagne on ice.
Now I was the Queen and you my Slave.
And I was holding the Ace of Spades.
All negative comments I received, all those hurts and bouts of shame I felt,
It was now time for a payback and I could raise hell.
Every flaw of mine was exemplified larger than it had to ever be,
You were tortured by me both physically and emotionally.
My life in which I could not connect with my friends,
Where I was forced to take a sabbatical to help you make new friends.
I had to give up many of my other passions as well,
Just to listen, watch and care for you & this was a living hell.
But inspite of all the things that I did and said to you,
you were untouched by my darkness.
I called you with so many names but you called me “Mumma”
with love and in a state of calmness.
As my anger grew on you, you sat silently next to me.
While I wept for reasons that were plenty.
Into my ill-figured large hands you gave your hands that were dainty.
You wrapped the whole of you to a quarter of me.
Comforting me when it should have been me.
With your persistent love I forgot all my hurt, pain, sorrow, shame, sadness.
I raised a white flag out of gladness.
And instead of me, it was you who built me up,
Brick by brick with cement and all.
It’s true that a mother and child together is born.
But who takes care of whom will never be known.
I am indebted to you for life for the love and affection you have shown.
I promise to be worthy of it, even if it’s just a little and not the whole.
-SuVi
05.01.23
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