Confessions of a Mother

Son, I can’t tell you the joy you brought me when the news was broken, that I was going to be a mother. Along with a child, a mother was born that day, as well.

You... were born perfect. More handsome than your father I must say. Weighing 3.4 kgs., heavy to carry but lighter than the weight of the sentiments I carried. And the perfect you, was handed over to a flawed me.

Your first day in this world was my first day as a mother in this world too. But the expectations from me were not similar to the expectations attached to you. In fact, at that point of time, you were in a much better position than me. When you cried constantly it was perceived that maybe I must have been a cry baby. When you shivered in your sleep, I was blamed for watching movies that might have gotten you scared in my womb. When you drooled nonstop it meant that perhaps I didn’t eat the food that I yearned for while I still carried you. Your perfection, and my inadequacies both kept growing in such incremental numbers that I envied you.

But as you grew up I realised that now I was THE MASTER of your life. All those negative comments I received, all those hurts and bouts of shame I had felt because of you, it was now time for a payback. Every flaw of mine was exemplified larger than it had to ever be towards you. You were made to realise both physically and emotionally of being that one person who ruined my life. My life in which I could not connect with my friends, was forced to take a sabbatical to help you make new friends, had to give up many of my other passions just to listen, watch and care for you.

But inspite of all the things that I did and said to you, you were untouched by my darkness because of the love you felt for me. It was like my lashing out made you feel my hurt, my shame, my sorrow, my pain, my confusion, my mess, my angst, my shortcomings, my frustrations. There were times when you sat next to me silently while I wept irrespective of the reason. You put your tiny fingers into my ill-figured large hands. You even managed to wrap the whole of you to a quarter of me. And inspite of screaming all kinds of unfittingly derogatory words which were clearly not meant for you, you called me back with just one name ‘Mumma’ and you meant it.

With the undeterred you, there was a constant fight inside of me between being an angel or the devil to you. I saw the love you gave me but I was refusing to take it. I was unfit mentally to accept you. And I was ashamed that you still loved me. I think I realised this and started changing and looking back, there is no date in my mind of when it happened because it isn’t the day that needs to be remembered or celebrated but it is the life that we choose to live. I am still far away from being perfect but then again, I don’t think anyone can be perfect. I simply tried to tone down my flaws because you accepted me for who I was.

My child, you are stronger than I am. You are talented than I am. You are lovelier than I am. And the only credit I can take off of you is the fact that you love me for who I am. I owe the person that I am today partly to others and mostly to you. Instead of me building you, you built me from scratch, brick by brick. I reach out to you more than you can reach out to me. You have a personality now I no longer am jealous of but only proud. In the ten years of your life you have done more than I have done in forty. “YOU HAVE SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME!”

I am writing all this down purely because I want my feelings for you to be on record. None of the roles we play in life comes with a designated manual, especially for a parent. You get to learn everything strictly ON THE JOB! Even though I recruited you to life, you are the one who trained me for it. I go to sleep everyday not knowing whether I will wake up tomorrow. I remember my past and I accept my present. I don’t look forward to the future as I believe life is now and it is because of my yesterday. And you my love have shaped my heart from then, till now. I owe my every single ‘Today’ to you.

Chris, I love you. I love you more than my music, more than my dance, more than my life itself! Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for being there.

From your grateful Mother.

-SuVi

23-02-2018